Sunday, 5 February 2012

Plaster Powder

It’s been a while since I last posted a blog.

It’s also been a while since I last gained weight. The bathroom scales have begun to mock my belated attempt at gluttony by displaying acridly encouraging messages that yes, once again, I’ve lost 100g. Most people would be thrilled by this; I’m considering sticking my head in a bucket of lard, with the hope that the failure would go away. With my luck, not only would I consume the entire sordid mass without gaining a single skerrick of fat, I’d also lose a kilo from the vigorous exercise.

I could make a healthy living by shilling out fad diet books; making television appearances, and assiduously avoiding placed palm trees out of fear that I’d disappear from sight completely. They could make it a recurring segment entitled ‘Talking with Cameron’, where the regular viewers would primarily include pelagic cetaceans able to discern bass mutterings, and wondering just how they can strip away a few unsightly tonnes from their dorsal posterior. The market segment for whale viewership has been positively untapped.

I’ve developed a strong and vehement distaste for Sustagen, a diet supplement which would have had far more success as a makeshift substitute for walling plaster. The noxious goop has become a perennial fixture of my waking nightmares, overriding the normal human instinct which prevents innocuous food substitutes from becoming part of a continued vendetta. I’ve had fantasies consisting entirely of the powder’s graphic, and unnecessarily excessive demise. I would stretch it out on a train track, and laugh while it burned.

A week's worth of Sustagen. Finished.

The only upside I’ve found in making relatively svelte stick-insects look surprisingly rotund has been in sour cream. Sour cream improves any meal, without exception. There comes a time every day when I ask myself ‘Should I have a little sour cream with this?’ The answer comes back, quite clearly: ‘No. I should have a lot of sour cream on this.’ This is the high point of my day.

I’m aiming to gain weight considerably by the end of the year. Until then I’ll need to be content in making diffraction patterns every time I pass by a series of doors.  Goodnight.

Yes, I exhibit wave/particle duality.

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