It’s been a while since I last posted a blog.
It’s also been a while since I last gained weight. The bathroom scales have begun to mock my belated attempt
at gluttony by displaying acridly encouraging messages that yes, once again, I’ve
lost 100g. Most people would be thrilled by this; I’m considering sticking my
head in a bucket of lard, with the hope that the failure would go away. With my
luck, not only would I consume the entire sordid mass without gaining a single
skerrick of fat, I’d also lose a kilo from the vigorous exercise.
I could make a healthy living by shilling out fad diet books;
making television appearances, and assiduously avoiding placed palm trees out
of fear that I’d disappear from sight completely. They could make it a
recurring segment entitled ‘Talking with
Cameron’, where the regular viewers would primarily include pelagic
cetaceans able to discern bass mutterings, and wondering just how they can strip away a few
unsightly tonnes from their dorsal posterior. The market segment for whale
viewership has been positively untapped.
I’ve developed a strong and vehement distaste for Sustagen,
a diet supplement which would have had far more success as a makeshift
substitute for walling plaster. The noxious goop has become a perennial fixture
of my waking nightmares, overriding the normal human instinct which prevents innocuous
food substitutes from becoming part of a continued vendetta. I’ve had fantasies
consisting entirely of the powder’s graphic, and unnecessarily excessive demise.
I would stretch it out on a train track,
and laugh while it burned.
A week's worth of Sustagen. Finished. |
The only upside I’ve found in making relatively svelte stick-insects look surprisingly rotund has been in sour cream. Sour cream improves
any meal, without exception. There comes a time every day when I ask myself ‘Should
I have a little sour cream with this?’ The answer comes back, quite
clearly: ‘No. I should have a lot of sour cream on this.’ This is
the high point of my day.
I’m aiming to gain weight considerably by the end of the
year. Until then I’ll need to be content in making diffraction patterns every
time I pass by a series of doors. Goodnight.
Yes, I exhibit wave/particle duality. |
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