Le Fils De L'Homme

There was once a little boy who loved to stick things up his nose. He would stick pens and pencils, seeds and rocks – anything which was small, and would easily fit. It was his favourite past-time, and he considered it a very dignified one at that age.

“Oh now, stop!” his mother cried, as he stuck a coin up his nose. “We don’t have the money to spare, and if you keep sticking things in your nose, something will grow up there.” The little boy was confused. If the dollar would grow, then surely his nose would be a safer investment than the stock market given the state of the current economy. So the little boy didn’t listen.

As he was walking to school, the little boy chanced upon his neighbour, an aborist. A small twig protruded from each nostril like the mighty tusks of a walrus. His neighbour gave an exasperated sigh.

“If you keep sticking things up your nose, it will grow up there!” The little boy gave a happy laugh. Tusk length is a sign of virility among walruses, and a tusk extension could only help his chances come mating season.

At school, the little boy sat at the back of the classroom with an eraser deep within one nostril. He ducked as an eraser came flying towards his head. His teacher burst out, furious: “If you keep sticking things up your nose, something will grow up there!”

Little Betty sighed in the second row: “I wish he would put my heart up his nose so it would grow there,” who at that age had no idea what a terribly unromantic thing that would be.

Walking back from school, the little boy came across a small seed in the middle of the road. He considered it appraisingly, turning it in his hands several times before depositing it in a nostril with artisanal care. Delighted at his newfound fortune, the little boy continued on his way home, making a nasal whistling noise with every breath that he took.

The next morning, the little boy woke to discover a small vine emanating from his nostril. It was slight and green, twisting around his nose like the beginnings of a fine moustache. The little boy was stunned. He was too young for facial hair, let alone any that was green. He curled it contemplatively for a moment before deciding against the rigors of maintenance that a new moustache requires. He yanked against the vine quickly, and smiled as it gave a satisfying ‘snap’.

At school, the little boy was considering which piece of stationary to grant admittance to Chez Nez for the evening, when Little Betty came up to him. “Your moustache is quite pretty,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes. “And green is definitely your colour.”

With a start, the little boy felt towards his nose. Sure enough, curling like the hair of a greased Parisian, was the vine. He dropped the pencil case in despair. The room for rent was occupied.

At the front of the room, the teacher was giving a lecture on parasites. He noticed the vine protruding from the little boy’s nose and smiled.

“Why, there are even plants in the Amazon which are known to grow from a seed high in the branches of a host tree. The parasite sends out little snake-like shoots which curl around the host, strangling the very life out of it. Its roots spread out as the tree rots inside; eventually there’s nothing left except for the hollowed out husk, and a new tree where it once stood.”

The little boy was rooted to the ground with horror, though only figuratively.

Running home from school, the little boy came upon his neighbour again. The vine had begun sprouting leaves, and curved upward like a set of antlers. “You’ve got to help me!” he cried.

His neighbour peered at the branch with a professional interest. “You’ll need to watch closely to make sure it doesn’t get scale or root rot. You see the smallest sign, come straight to me.”

“You’ve got to help me get rid of it!” the little boy cried.

“Why? You’ll make a good tree for my garden!”

The little boy ran home screaming and saw his mother. Wordlessly, he pointed to the developing bush on his forehead. His mother considered it carefully. She had once studied horticulture at university, and was delighted at the chance to show off her skills. “I could trim it if you’d like,” she suggested. “If we get in early, we can shape it into something interesting, like a bunny rabbit or a swan.” Her major had been in hedge manufacture and design.

The little boy burst out crying. He didn’t want to become a rabbit or a swan, let alone one made entirely out of leaves. His tears trickled down his face, where a developing root system drank them greedily.

Resigned to his arboreal fate, the little boy made his way to bed. His mother put out a pot, in case he needed to take root in the night, and couldn’t make it to the garden in time.

In the morning, little boy’s vine had developed into a miniature tree, which sat above his head like a leafy green bowler hat. It would have been unsightly on St Patrick’s Day, and it wasn’t more fashionable now in September. The little boy felt like a bonsai.

At school the teacher was delighted at his transformation. “I had always hoped that you’d branch out into other areas,” he said, and he said it often, as he was proud of the pun.

Little Betty noticed him sitting by himself in the playground. She could see he had wood.

“What are you doing all alone here?” she said. “I think a little foliage adds character to a man. And look – there are even a couple of flowers.” Indeed, the little boy’s tree had burst into bloom with tiny pink and white flowers. “She reached up to pick one, before pulling her hand back with a shout: “Bees!”

Little Betty ran away without a second look.

The little boy’s teacher placed a comforting hand on his back. “Maybe you should just leaf for the day.”

The little boy walked home with a wooden expression on his face. If he was going to become a tree, then so be it. He would just root himself in the soil, and that would be the end of it. A squirrel chattered happily in the branches. The little boy sat down next to a large oak tree in the cemetery and waited.

The little boy sat there patiently, like a botanical Buddha  The wind whistled through his leaves. The squirrel chattered noisily and tried to stick an acorn in his ear. He had been doing his best to think tree-y thoughts, but it was nuts. He jumped up and shook his head violently. The squirrel leapt off in alarm and rushed towards his dislodged acorn. The little boy sat back down, and yelped as something fell into his lap. It was hard, and round, and shiny. The little boy reached up, and sure enough, the tree was filled with apples.

The little boy ran home delightedly. On the way, he ran past Little Betty, who was cradling her stung hand. Without stopping he threw her an apple. Little Betty bit into it carefully, and smiled – he had just become the apple of her eye again.

From that day on, the little boy was renowned for his apples, which were both juicy and sweet, and could be baked into the most delicious of pies. He eventually became quite wealthy with a cider he produced from the fruit, until the FDA caught wind of it, and he was shut down for numerous health code violations.

The Young Duck

Once there was a little town of ducks, called Splashville.

It was a little town in the countryside, filled with lots of ponds. It had a park, and the roads were made of cobblestone, which were hard and apt to hurt a young duck’s feet if she wasn’t careful.

‘Mummy, mummy,’ a young duck cried, as she tripped over a particularly hard cobblestone. ‘Can’t there be a better way to walk across town? The cobble stones are painful, and my feet are always bruised and battered.’

But the mother knew there wasn’t anything to be done, and so life continued as it always had: safe and happy, as long as you knew where to place your feet.

However the young duck was a clumsy one, and it seemed that no matter how hard she looked, or how carefully she stepped out on the stones there would always be a cobble there to find its way under her foot. 

And so, she spent most of her time swimming around in the pond, where there weren’t any nasty cobblestones, and where there was hardly any chance of running into them.

But her friends would all play featherball in the afternoon (which is a played lot like soccer with feathers, and is a duck’s favourite sport). It was played on the cobblestones, and so the young duck could only watch from the sidelines, or risk bumping or scratching or bruising her toes, which always made her sore in the evenings. She was very lonely, and wished that she could play like the other ducks.

One day, while swimming around in the pond (the other ducks had waddled off to play featherball some time ago), she came across a piece of rubber which had floated downstream, along with a piece of ribbon which lay beside it. The young duck was curious, and nuzzled the two inquisitively. The rubber was thick, but soft, and gave away under her touch. The ribbon was a bright red, and had no doubt adorned the hat of some sonsy lass. At last the duck gave a happy ‘quack’. She’d had an idea.

All through the night the young duck worked on her project: pulling and prodding, fashioning and fastening, until finally it began to take shape. Her mother hovered behind her, worried and curious, but the young duck continued her work unheeded, her crest puffed up in concentration.

In the morning a curious sight came into Splashville, and a crowd gathered all along Feather Way. What was in the middle of the crowd? Was it a horrific traffic accident? A fowl crime that would ruffle the feathers of all who saw it, and leave no duck unflappable? No. It was the young duck proudly waddling down the cobbled way. On her feet were two wellies fashioned from the rubber she had found. A piece of leftover ribbon had been tied around her neck and caught the wind and sun as she walked.

The young duck quacked happily as she waddled, giving no notice of the cobbles as she passed, much as you or I would give no notice of a pebble under our boots. The little duck was happy, and went on to have a semi-professional career in featherball, until she was indicted for her part in a match-fixing scandal which saw her banned professionally for life.

Picture credit: Stephen G. Johnson

The Problem of Externalities

Happy New Year! Or Happy Financial New Year at the very least.

It’s been a month since I’ve last written a blog, and while I’d like to say that I’ve been fighting Samoan pirates on the high seas, or staging a daring coup d’état that now sees me placed as the new King of Sweden, the fact of the matter is that I’ve been busy with final assignments and exams. That and I haven’t had a clue of what to write about.

I’ve been on holiday for the last week now, and my stubble has gone beyond the level of ‘acceptably shaggy’ and is well on the way to ‘unemployably scrubby’. I’m letting it go if only to see what grows, like an experimental Petri dish more likely to result in anthrax than penicillin.

As many of you should know, today also marks the introduction of the Gillard government’s new Carbon Tax, which is set to put a price on carbon emissions and give Tony Abbott supporters plenty of chances to wave their fingers and say: “See! See! She lied!” as if it were the first time they had ever watched a political campaign. It also marks the start of a set of offsetting reforms, which include the tax-free bracket increasing from $6,000 to $18,200. I’m a strong supporter of the Carbon Tax, so while I’m as unqualified as an elk to even discuss it, and at the risk of bush-lawyering, I thought I’d write a few words on the basic theory that underpins these kinds of actions.

Left entirely to its own devices the private sector is remarkably efficient in the allocation of resources. Inefficient practices have the effect of increasing a firm’s overall production costs. Over time, this provides an incentive to move to more efficient production methods, increasing overall profit.

 Similarly a free and competitive market provides an efficient allocation of resources as firms bid up the price of goods depending on their individual assessment of their value (two people value a piece of cake, they will continue to bid up the price until it’s just higher than what the other would otherwise be willing to pay). Where individuals can trade according to their individual preferences, the market will theoretically result in an efficient allocation.

The issue comes in when we’re dealing with a common resource (air quality, the environment, fishing stocks, etc). In this situation, individuals are not able to trade according to their own individual costs and benefits, and the resulting market allocation may not be socially efficient.

For example: a washing company may be remarkably effective in washing old socks and underwear in a nearby river, but has the unfortunate effect of poisoning it for everyone down-stream. This is known as an externality – a cost not included in the normal price allocation of supply and demand.

Externalities can be either positive or negative. A beekeeper provides a positive externality in the pollination of local fruits and flowers (and a negative in the increase of beestings). Positive externalities are benefits that can’t be captured by the profit system, and so too little will be produced. Negative externalities are costs that aren’t incurred by the producing firm and so too much will. In either case a market failure occurs, and there is potential scope for the government to intervene. Carbon emissions are a classic example of a negative externality.

The Carbon Tax introduces a base cost to the production of carbon. While the extent that this cost is passed onto consumers largely depends on the degree of market control a firm is able to exert, the effect is an overall reduction in carbon pollution. Over time it provides an economic incentive to innovate and switch to less carbon intensive forms of production.

It must be noted that the current fixed price is only a temporary measure. Eventually an Emissions Trading Scheme is to be implemented, where a number of free credits for the production of carbon are allocated, and the free market determines the price of these credits in the free market. This is generally seen as a more economically efficient model for reducing carbon emissions.

The potential effectiveness of the tax is a divisive issue. The effects of carbon emissions are distributed globally, as opposed to locally or nationally such as in acid rain (a similar example of a national ETS implemented in America) or chemical pollutants, and has led some commentators to declare it a Tragedy of the Commons rather than a matter of externalities.  However I remain personally optimistic in the overall effectiveness of the scheme, and that it will coincide with similar measures being enacted internationally.

Ashmeko

A couple of days ago the door to my bathroom silently and irrevocably decided to become a wall. There was no warning, no creaky or groaning indication – in the night it was a welcoming portal to showery goodness, and in the morning it had seized up completely as if to say, “Hey, remember those communal bathrooms you’ve been assiduously avoiding since first year? Guess where you’ll be going for a while.” In the end, there was no fixing it – maintenance cut through the lock with a circular saw, covering the room with a fine layer of metallic dust, and turning my towel into a steel-shard encrusted piece of sandpaper. I’ve been drying myself with toilet paper.

I’ve decided to post a few of my writings from high school: partly because I was far better at writing back then, and partly because I am a very unproductive uni student and it allows me to procrastinate on what is already an ostensibly procrastinative blog. This will allow me to do all those things I don’t have time for and will never do anyway, like actually giving a textbook more than a precursory glance towards the shelf where it sits alone, dusty and dejected.

In this picture: books I never read 

and textbooks I'll never open again.

To the few that might be interested I hope you enjoy it. To the others that won’t, and who are currently wondering why they made that fatal error of clicking on this blog in the first place: my sincere condolences, may it fill you with the same feeling of joy and satisfaction that kicking a toe on the bedstead does early in the morning.

I’ll end this short entry by mentioning that a friend of mine has recently released a pop single on iTunes. As someone whose usual listening falls closer to progressive death metal and Finnish cello metal, I’ve listened to it several times already since downloading it yesterday: it’s an upbeat, catchy, and genuinely enjoyable release from a pair of ridiculously talented singers.

For the few that read this, and the infinitely rarer breed actually willing to take my music advice I recommend that you give it a listen: 'You and Me' by Ashmeko. 

Kitten Kong

I’ve been down with a cold for the last couple of days. The sounds and things emitting from my mouth would be enough to make Ridley Scott squeal with terror, curl into bed with a stuffed xenomorph plushie and refuse to come out until the lights have been switched back on again. My voice has taken on the gravelly, straight-edged sound of a partial laryngectomy. I’ve been mistaken for Bruce Wayne several times in the street, and it’s becoming more difficult to keep my midnight vigilantism a secret.

Leaping laryngitis, Batman! 

I’ve taken a short break for coffee, which is as close as I’ll get to a ‘three day cleansing binge’ without first strapping my arteries to a vat of cucumber juice and taking all fluids intravenously. One day of caffeine withdrawal later and my voice has disappeared completely. I refuse to consider that the two events are not related, and will never, under any circumstance try to stop drinking coffee again. I’ve been surviving the withdrawal by listening to Meshuggah, which is aural heroin already; and Ministry, which is perfectly suited for a Junkie.

(If you get the Burroughs reference, well done – you’ve earned yourself a naked lunch at your favourite restaurant).

I’ll be honest here and say that this post is a little bit of an experiment. The previous blog post went a little crazy by any definition of the word which does not include asylums and dictionary writing surgeons. While I’m more than convinced that this will only be seen by the usual collection of aunts, incredulous friends and those few tragically misdirected individuals looking up ‘hoes’ in Google Images and receiving gardening implements instead, I’d like to say hi to any Redditors that may come by for a second look after running out of cats pictures in /r/Aww.

The biggest favour you can do yourself today is to
go home and watch all 9 seasons of The Goodies.

Tamám Shud

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve last written a blog, which I’ll blame on a series of exams and assignments, insomnia and caffeine induced hallucinations. Now that they’ve gone, I almost miss it, as the vacuum left in its absence has left me scaling walls in the hope that I’ll find something vaguely interesting stapled into the ceiling to save me from this well of boredom.

Which is where this blog comes in.

The thing I miss most from my childhood is the ability to read. By this I don’t mean being able to make sense of a series of orthographic glyphs thrown up on my screen and rendered unattractively in Comic Sans. I mean being able to sit down and consume, devour a narrative in a single sitting; to become so utterly absorbed in a fictional world of swirling type that your family begins to treat the purchase of a new novel with trepidation. This is an ability I have lost, or at least misplaced haphazardly in adulthood.

Today, the places I find time to read seem concentrated solely on public transport – on trains, on planes, at airports, and in cars. Places that are so utterly devoid of stimulation that cracking open a text of P.G. Wodehouse or H.P. Lovecraft (or anyone else that starts with a couple of initials, and ends with a portmanteau) feels like a complete liberation. For a few short hours, I seem able to dive into a story, and when I arrive home it dissolves into a mush of crushed up memes and amusing cat pictures.

This is all laziness, of course - there’s nothing stopping me from picking a book off the shelf and working my way through a Douglas Adams novel except my own lack of will and motivation. But I still miss the feeling of discovering a new book at the library, and finishing it a couple of hours or days later. I remember being denied a book at the library once in grade 8 – it was a Jeffrey Archer novel. The librarian refused to let me borrow it out, saying all of his other novels were fine, but this one she’d feel uncomfortable letting a 12 year old read (it had a graphic sex scene, I found a copy at home just a couple of weeks later ;).

A year later I wandered through the senior fiction section again, Jeffrey Archer consumed and finished. I came across my first novel by Stephen King, ‘Misery’, and wandered over to the check-out, fully expecting to be denied once more. He took one look at it, and asked me if I’d seen the movie, then recommended that I check it out. (“Blood, everywhere.”)

I’ll end this blog by giving a story about the last time I visited bookstore in Brisbane, Archive Fine Books. I was there with a friend from French, and we were browsing (she ended up going home with a steamy, Harlequin French romance - “If you don’t buy it, I will”). I chanced upon a hard-cover copy of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, which is famous for the stanza “The Moving Finger writes: and, having writ/ Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit/ Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line/ Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it." The spine was damaged, so the shopkeeper offered to fix it. As the glue was drying, she asked us if we had heard of the Tamám Shud Mystery.

The Tamám Shud Mystery takes its name from the final line of the Rubaiyat and roughly translates to ‘It is ended’. On the first of December 1948, a man was found dead on Somerton Beach in Adelaide. He was in top physical condition, dressed well - however, he carried no identification, and the tags to his clothes had all been torn off. The man carried no papers on him except for a tiny piece of paper which had been rolled and placed in a fob pocket in his trousers. It had been torn from a rare first edition copy of the Rubaiyat, and simply bore the words ‘Tamám Shud’. Despite intense media scrutiny and police investigation the mystery remains unsolved to this day.

TAMÁM SHUD.

Comedy

The comedian was unfunny, the chair uncomfortable, and I had a sneaking suspicion that my dinner was attempting to make a run for it.

Despite being proclaimed as ‘A Side-Splitting Barrel of Laughter for the Whole Family’ I wasn’t overly convinced. The only thing I could see close to splitting was the dress of the woman sitting next to me, whose heaving gouts of laughter placed a tone of wonder on the miracles of modern fabric design. A family sitting further along seemed divided in opinion: the parents looked on with undisguised mirth; the children seemed to share my distain and sat around listlessly, kicking the chair in front of them. I considered doing the same, but the ex-naval tattoo on the man in front of me suggested, quite politely, that this might not be such an excellent idea.

I allowed my eyes to wander. The bar was one of those derelict places (but almost intentionally so, as if to save on cleaning) which appear cheap, but are simply dingy and populated entirely by college students who don’t know any better. A dartboard hung packed away in the corner, in prescience of the comedian’s performance. A single family populated the table to the right; the remainder were filled with the usual assortment of dull-comics and habitual barflies. A few spiels of laughter rang out occasionally like the dying calls of a moribund bird indigenous to Australia.

I played with the napkin in front of me, and attempted unsuccessfully to shepherd a piece of lettuce to the centre of the plate, where something dark was hiding embarrassedly. I placed down my knife, edged the plate determinedly away and perfected the wings of my origami swan.

“You’re not really listening to this, are you?” a voice from my left asked. The comedian had just descended into a Republican parody which had been lifted clumsily from last week’s Saturday Night Live.

The voice belonged to a woman at my side who look positively enraptured in the performance. I said something to the effect of ‘If I could tear my ears off without making a scene – I would’ and she laughed.

“It’s genuinely awful. Which also means that it’s the best performance I’ve seen in months.”

I looked at her quizzically. She was blonde in a way which spoke more of sunshine than hydrogen peroxide, and had a figure that was svelte instead of ginormously rotund.

“There are few things in life more liberating than seeing something that is a complete and utter disaster. You give up the idea that comedy needs to be structured and controlled - that seriousness needs to be something moody and austere. Instead, you’re left with something that has so left the mark, which has departed so far beyond either the serious or comic that it becomes farce. It becomes wonderful for that. I love it.”

 I stared at her in a way which I hoped displayed befuddlement and bemusement without appearing creepy. She laughed.

“Look at this place – have you honestly ever seen a place as hole-in-the-wall, as awful and dingy and just plain dirty as this is?” Something scurried out from behind her plate, did a circuit around the table and returned slightly abashed, as if that was all the exercise it was willing to do today. She ignored it, and continued. “It’s wonderful. It makes me happy to see that there are still places like this – places where they are so far removed from what should be in society that it becomes beautiful instead. You feel a part of it, the grime, the dirt, the unwashed glass and infested beer. But at the same time you feel apart from it, able to recognise the farce with amusement and incredulity.”

I looked from her to the failing comedian, who had started on an unconvincing impression of the former president.

“Part of you realises this, doesn’t it? You didn’t walk in from the street to see an unsigned comic with the expectation that they would actually be good.” She peered at my clothes. “You certainly didn’t arrive here to meet with someone. No, part of you realises that there is something magical about seeing the terrible in life occasionally. This kid might actually be good one day; he may put all evidence aside and actually make a name for himself. But until then he only retains the potential for that. Now, he is simply awful – determinedly, enthusiastically but above all genuinely awful, and for that it is a gripping performance.”

I spent the remainder of the performance in relative silence, digesting everything that she had said. Eventually, I asked her if she would like to get a drink afterwards.

She laughed. “I like things that are awful, but that would be pushing it.”

I left alone, uncomfortably.

I hate comedians.